Read from ‘The Pale King’ – The Wheeler Centre
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A Boy Called Bob: Becomes an AFL Footballer
Piccolo Nero
This is a collaboration with Bob Murphy, former Western Bulldogs skipper and all-round- legend, whose autobiography ‘Leather Soul’ is one read more…
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Baa Baa Blue Sheep
Scholastic
Baa, baa, yellow sheep, have you any wool?’
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‘Yes ma’am, yes ma’am, seven bags full.’
‘I want it all!’ said the dame to the man.
‘For I LOVE yellow—a true life-long fan.
‘The bendy banana, the fiery hot sun,
Of all of the colours, sweet yellow’s the one!’
‘No!’ said the master. ‘GIMME THAT WOOL!’
They fought for the bags . . .
and fell in the pool.
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Red Ned
Lake Press
You might know the tale of a Kelly named Ned
A bushranger type with a can on his head
He roamed the wild country and caused loads of strife
And went to his death with the words ‘such is life’.A lesser known story is that of Jed Kelly
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Who lived in the suburb of Indooroopilli,
A regular eight-year-old boy was young Jed
Except for wild hair that was red, red, red, RED!
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Hickory Dickory Dash
Hickory Dickory Dash is the follow up title to The Cow Tripped Over the Moon. Like it’s predecessor, it was read more…
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The Selwood Boys: Battle Royale
This is the first book about the four Selwood boys growing up in and around Bendigo. All four would go read more…
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Emo the Emu
Scholastic, 2015
On the wild grassy plains west of Old Humpty Doo
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Lived the moodiest, mopeyest, saddest emu, read more… -
The Cow Tripped Over the Moon
Scholastic, 2015
Hey diddle diddle
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You all know the riddle
A cow jumps over the moon
It happened all right
On a crisp, cloudless night
On the second last Friday in June read more… -
Stuff Happens: Jack
Penguin Books, 2014
I invented it, even though it was Dan who named it ‘You Play, You Pay’. We were at the EBO, which is what we kids call the E. B. Watson Oval when we don’t want to say ‘E. B. Watson Oval’, which is always, because who has the time for saying E. B. Watson Oval? The EBO is across the road from the school. It’s where we sometimes go for PE, or for sport practice. read more…
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Making News
Pier 9 (Murdoch Books) 2010
If you’ve read Making News, I’d love a review on Amazon or Goodreads. Making News’ is my attempt to satirise read more…
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The Emperor’s New Clothes Horse
Scholastic, 2012
“The Emperor has won almost every horse race in the kingdom … all except one. read more…
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Terror on the Tracks
Good Weekend, 31/1/2010
It ends up being the story of two handbrakes. first there was one that didn’t want to release. My wife read more…
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It’s About Decimal Time
The Age, 8/10/2000
In 1981, my Grade 3 teacher Mr. McAuliffe told us that time had gone decimal and my world caved in. read more…
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A Whole New Ball Game
The Age, Green Guide, 4/4/2002
Thursday 6.45pm If the winds of change were blowing, the air around the food vans outside Gate One still smelled read more…
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Coming on Down: Diary of a Game Show Hopeful
The Age Green Guide, 18/12/03
12.05pm: Jago St, Richmond. Channel 9 studios. ‘You don’t think I’m a bad mother, do you?’ I’d known Nat for read more…
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Your Shirt is a Tablecloth
22 June 2006, Stuttgart, Australia v Croatia, Group F Chapter 8 of Tony Wilson’s ‘Australia United: Adventures at the 2006 read more…
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Oi! Oi! Oi! (or, how I lost my pizza in Uruguay)
The Age, 28/11/01
TULLAMARINE, 7.30 am, last Wednesday The check-in steward asked if I had any seat preferences and I said I’d like read more…
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Forget the inner lawyer – bite the bigger bikkie
The Age, 24/12/2003
I can’t give you too many details about the Tim Tam session. There’s a slim chance that I was taking read more…
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The Birds
The Age Magazine, 12/12/09
This photo of Capital City Trail is courtesy of TripAdvisor At the risk of sounding like another Tony from the read more…
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Chasing the Tiger
Brisbane Times, September 15, 2009
I’d like to get all the demurring ‘well, you get what you paid fors’ out of the way right now. read more…
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Triple R’s own Adam Elliott
Triple R Subscriber Magazine 'The Trip'
There’s something sad and pathetic about hangers on, who watch from the sidelines to see who in a group of read more…
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Cereal Monogamy
Good Weekend, 1/7/99
A friend of mine told me that a friend of his told him that our local supermarket has a singles read more…
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An Island That is Just There for the Taking
The Age, 14/1/04
This is just a personal view, but everything’s hopeless and we’re all going to die. We won’t just fade away read more…
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An Olympics Love Affair Sealed With a Kiss
The Age, 10/9/00
The hosts called it ‘the Olympic kiss’ – the moment when two torches arch high above the torchbearers’ heads to read more…
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Today Tonight, Tonight
The Scrivener's Fancy, July 2010
I could tell from Ashlea’s urgent ‘hello’ that we had a breakthrough. The publicity campaign for ‘Making News’ had been read more…
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We’ll Always Have Kaiserslautern
Australia United, GSP, 2006
This is chapter 2 of Australia United. Given we are playing Japan tonight, and this was the best day read more…
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The Silk Road to South Africa
The Socceroo Magazine, 09/10/09
The Socceroos final round of World Cup qualifying began on the Silk Road in Tashkent, and they never really got read more…
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Let War’s Silent Victims Be Heard
The Age, 20/1/2003
I have only ever had one day in a theatre of war. It was June 1998, two years prior to read more…
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Mobile phones: A Matter of Life and Debt
The Age, 10/1/2002
Most opinions on mobile phones are complaints from the point of view of the non-mobile phone user, people who answer read more…
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The Yellow Pages is a Very Big Book
The Age, 24/1/02
For those who aspire to tertiary study, there are few more stressful moments in life than looking up the newspaper read more…
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Soemtimes Grout is Forever
The Age, 27/5/2002
‘We’re in the hardest part of the game,’ Stan Liacos the Manager of Marketing at Federation Square had said to read more…
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“No Looking With The Hands”
The Monthly, July 2005
‘Job’ is a terrific noun and an even better verb. I job, you job, he she or it jobs. It read more…
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There’s a lot of money in that ‘unique’ cricket memorabilia
The Age, 31/12/03
I have a sports memorabilia idea for Tony Greig. It was the golden summer of 1993-94 and while recovering from read more…
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HECS and the Single Girl
The Age, 6/1/03
If you’re ever really bored and you’ve exhausted yourself watching pots or staring at a barely moving minute hand, I read more…
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Fletch! A Tribute to a Legend
The Age (Melbourne) Magazine, 31/08/12
At the time of writing, Dustin Fletcher has been on an AFL senior list for 7204 days. Michael Tuck joined read more…
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Inheriting Father’s Nuclear Neurosis
The Age, 3/1/2001
My father often tells the story of sitting in the Bailleu Library at Melbourne University during the Cuban Missile Crisis, read more…
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Having a Ball: How we finally fell in love with the world game
The Age (Melbourne) Magazine, 25/10/07
‘He nutmegged him! Archie nutmegged the Argentinian!’ The MCG crowd makes the sound a crowd makes when seventy odd thousand read more…
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Uncovered: The Pie who came in from the cold
The Age, 28/9/2002
A long, long time ago, I can still remember How the Magpies used to make me smile And Dad and read more…
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My Seat in Heaven
The Age, 18/11/05
MY SEAT at Telstra Stadium is as close to heaven as it is possible to be. Seat 29, aisle read more…
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Doggone Pretzel Strikes Again
The Age, 17/1/2002
Historically, a president choking on a pretzel is nothing new. Indeed, if we are to believe leading authorities in the read more…
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Believing in the Impossible
Coach, Inspiration and Aspiration, IA, 2000
Shaun Dockery only ever gave one truly great three-quarter time address, but that’s not bad for someone who’s never actually read more…
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Kicking Around the Issues with Harry the Giraffe
The Age, 12/9/99
For eight months In 1992, my name appeared on the senior playing list at Hawthorn, and over the course of read more…
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Love, Pain and the Whole Damn Thing
The Sunday Age, 'Love These Days', 26/1/14
This morning in the kitchen, Tamsin and I had a conversation about Grandad Dog. It’s probably not that unusual for read more…
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Farewell to Fee
The Trip, December 2013
David Bridie, Ben Birchall and myself performed this tribute to Fee at her final show last Friday morning. Apologies to read more…
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New Zealanders Become Lords of the Ringing Cash Registers
The Age, 13/1/03
Arriving in New Zealand it was as I suspected – The Lord of the Rings has done more for the read more…
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If Barry Hall Were a Brunette
If Barry Hall were a brunette I wouldn’t be writing this. If Barry Hall were a brunette I’d be letting read more…
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And Another!
Footy Town, Malarkey Publications, 2013
This piece appears in the book ‘Footy Town’ edited by John Harms and Paul Daffey of ‘Footy Almanac’ fame. It read more…
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The Lights Brigade
The Age (melbourne) Magazine, 30/11/2012
Did you see the elephant?” Richard says, squinting at the topiary pachyderm cascading across his garage roof. At the neck read more…
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India! India! India the best!’
The Age, 27/3/01
TEST eve, Marina Beach, Chennai, 5.20pm: The kid’s name was Themeem, he was a science student and, at sunset on read more…
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Passion Plays in the Wee Hours
Sydney Morning Herald, 9/6/2010
THE World Cup is going to be in 3D. Especially for me — I’m going to be there in South read more…
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Dear Polly
Australian Baby Guide 2009
I have a contribution in the Australian Baby Guide 2009, which is a letter I wrote to my daughter Polly. read more…
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Growing up barracking for Richman
My friend Mark Monnone (The Lucksmiths, Monnone Alone) is fronting The Bermuda Strollers, a Jonathan Richman tribute band at Longplay read more…
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An Audience with Chairman Stan
The Age, 18/4/02
“You tell me what a shock jock is, ‘cosI don’t know”. Oh God. My interview with Stan Zemanek is only read more…
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Always Hoped That I’d Be an Apostle
The Scrivener's Fancy
My acting career has, so far, been one ecclesiastical role after another. I mean that to be read in read more…
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Guess who’s still top 3 with the ladies of Bangalore?
The Age, 2/4/01
You can’t mention Bangalore to anyone in India without them at some stage saying, “Ah, garden city of Bangalore,” or read more…
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ER, Queen, Please Sign My Ball?
The Age, 26/3/00
THURSDAY 11.05am, Melbourne Airport I arrived at Gate 39 with a Footscray football for the Queen to sign. I wasn’t read more…
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They don’t want it, we don’t want it, so why the hell do it?
The Age, 09/08/09
DO YOU hear the people meters sing? Does anyone feel like storming the Bastille with me? Honestly, I’m up for read more…
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One, Two, Three, Sit
'Kitchen Table Memoirs', ABC Books, 2013
This piece appears in ‘Kitchen Table Memoirs’ which also contains contributions from Helen Garner, Denise Scott, Jane Caro and George read more…
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Hot in the City: Summer in the CBD
Vibe Magazine, 385, Dec 2008
The air is too hot to be local air. Surely it is air that’s been sucked out of smelters in read more…
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There’s a Whiff of Free Beer in the Air
The Age, 17/1/2001
The first time I saw the words ‘free beer’, I was 18 years old and interested. The words were chalked read more…
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She Did It
The amazing thing about the Olympics is that races that stop a nation are pretty much a dime a dozen. read more…
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My night as a Tish Tennis Star
The Age 1/10/2000
If you want to start barracking for the Germans, but don’t want anyone to know you’re doing it, here’s what read more…
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The House of Stoush and the Meaning of True Romance
The Age, 8/11/200
I picked up at the House of Stoush once. It was a Crowded House concert in about 1987, I was read more…
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Last Day Gifts
ABC, The Splash, 9/12/13
It used to be an apple, didn’t it? The young primary schooler, feeling the full blast of love for the read more…
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Coming to terms with the Snickers bar incident
The Age, 23/9/00
It was Adelaide 1995, when after dedicating five days of my life to watching every ball of the test, a read more…
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Dad, Dermie, Dipper, Donuts and Me
‘Dad, can I have some donuts?’It was a ritual that had evolved over a decade of watching football together at read more…
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Buddy Makes Me Laugh
2009 Footy Almanac, Foreword, Malarkey Press
DERMOTT APPARENTLY organised an intervention. The Hawk No. 23 guernsey, which has in its lineage a league leading goalkicker, a read more…
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School Behind Bars
Good Weekend, 23/3/2013
Can a decent education turn young criminals around? Tony Wilson goes inside Victoria’s toughest youth prison to see a remarkable read more…
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The Job of my life
The Trip, 3RRR, October 2007
I have presented Breakfasters for six years, just less than a sixth of my life. It’s been undoubtedly the job read more…
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Miss Footy 1969
Good Weekend, 26/5/2012
I have World of Sport winners on both sides of my bloodlines. For those who remember HSV7’s shambolic, Sunday morning read more…
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A Beautiful Set of Numbers
afl.com.au, 22/5/06
I’ve got some advice for the critics who believe uncontested marks and 16 metre dink kicks across the back-line are read more…
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The Laziness of the Long Distance Runner
The Age, 13/1/99
Long distance running is something you love, hate or don’t mind. My own opinion is very much determined by whether read more…
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The Game With Everything
The Age,, 20/3/01
FRIDAY, March 9, Calcutta Airport, 10.15pm. “Be careful, sir, today is holy day,” a customs official said as he stamped read more…
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Grave Doubts Over Tunnel Vision
The Age, 27/12/200
‘Would any of you care if they put a freeway tunnel under here?’ I called out. The question wasn’t directed read more…
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The Day De Castella Beat the Pain in Spain
The Age, 10/9/2000
‘Here comes Deek into the stadium now. Oh what a great champion,’ Bruce said, his voice cracking in the way read more…
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Love is Blind
'How We Met', Penguin, 2007
This piece was written as part of a compilation of ‘first meeting’ stories published by Penguin in 2007. Tamsin and read more…
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Planes, Trains and a Socceroos Cyclone
FourFourTwo, Dec 08
We end up calling him “Two Phones”. He’s pale and besuited, flustered and harried. His problem is that Qantas flight read more…
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The Door Bitch You Will Meet in Heaven
The Age
Almost nobody grows up wanting to be a door bitch. Ask a group of primary school girls what they hope read more…
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An Old Leopard Bears Its Teeth
Wheeler Centre, 10/3/2010
I’ve spent the last hour on my knees in our shed, searching for VCE English essays that are twenty-one years read more…
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Fiction Dacked by Reality
The Age, A2, 15/9/07
If it’s not bad enough that Atlanta stole Melbourne’s Olympic Games, now it’s stolen my allegory. It’s a pants allegory. read more…
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The Italian Job
The Age, 30/5/08
‘GET up! They’re here! They’re here! Get up, it’s Juve!” Rita Zammit is my best football-watching friend, and the previous read more…
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Like in the Time of Girl Germs
The Age, 11/9/2003
On the left hand side were the boys’ taps and on the right hand side were the girls’. Why one read more…
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The Spirit Is Willing But the Legs Are Weak
The Age, 23/7/00
For the last five years, I have suffered from ‘gallery legs’ – a condition that renders legs fifty kilograms heavier read more…
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The Painful Truth
Good Weekend, 5/5/07
All I wanted to be was the best goddamned birthing partner I could be. To stroke Tamsin’s cheek when read more…
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My Saturday night was the same as Mal Walden’s
The Age, 27/2/1999
This story ran in The Age as ‘My Week’ on 27th February 1999. SATURDAY My Saturday night was the same read more…
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Having a Ball
The Best Australian Humorous Writing, 2009
This is an extended version of a piece I wrote for The Age, Melbourne Magazine It was anthologised in a read more…
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Hi World, from Aisle 334 Row 24
The Age, 17/9/00
I was filling up the car in a petrol station in Golbourne, listening to my father run through the basics read more…
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Of Killer Bees and Jamborees
The Age, Grren Guide, 20/6/2002
‘What about some world game news?’ John Safran asks. I’m stunned, because in 4 months of reading the news on read more…
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An Ode to Our Warnie: No.2 Shane Warne
"Australia: Story of a Cricket Country", ed Christian Ryan, (Hardie Grant, 2011)
‘Shane Warne, Shane Warne, you are a big flirt.’ He was in a trough at the time. Fresh off the read more…
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You Make Me Feel … Like a Virtual Woman
The Age, 24/1/2001
I remember Tamagotchi well. A few years ago I had to baby-sit one and ended up getting in trouble for read more…
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A Quarter of a Day in the Life of Matt Tilley
The Age, 27/4/00
Sandringham. Bin night. 4.47am. I’m obviously too late, because Matt Tilley is already leaning on a bin waiting for me read more…
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Best on Ground – Great Writers on The Greatest Game
Penguin, 2010, ed. Peter Corris and John Dale
AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER – HAWTHORN 1. Matchmaking It was like racing for the taps on an overflowing bath. ‘Ay read more…
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Hollywood’s 65 year old wunderkind
The Monthly, October 2012, p20
This piece was commissioned by The Monthly and appeared in its October 2012 Arts issue. I have posted an earlier, read more…
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Ethical Tourism With a Long Lens
The Age, 27/12/2001
As a tourist visiting Amish country, you have to decide whether you are there merely to laugh and point at read more…
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The Ball of the Century: Redux
The Age, 10/1/2001
Shane Warne is there at the top of his run, and I just know he’s going to bowl the ‘Gatting read more…
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Sporting Australia (boxed text)
Lonely Planet's 'Australia' guidebook
Not every Australian loves sport. For a while we even had a Prime Minister who didn’t. Paul Keating loved polished read more…
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Alan Woods and His Amazing Computer: A Nags-to-Riches Story
The Monthly, 2005
Alan Woods and His Amazing Computer: A Nags-to-Riches Story I had my first bet the day I turned five. It read more…
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Charley Dog – ‘Man & Beast’ anthology
Man & Beast, edited Andrew Rule, MUP, 2016
This piece ‘Epsilon’ appears in the Andrew Rule edited ‘Man & Beast’ (MUP, 2016) along with many other animal stories. read more…
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Playing it straight: Why jock jokes are bad form
The Age, 27/07/08
‘He’s been up his mum and his legless sister and he thinks he’s killed his old man!’ Sport and humour read more…